What if my boyfriend looks at other girls?

Dear Suhail, I've noticed lately that "Terry" can't keep his eyes off of other girls' asses. He thinks I don't notice. Does this mean he is not attracted to me anymore? Sincerely, Self-Conscious Sally

Dear Sally,
Be careful what you read into a roving eye.   Humans are visual animals. Lots of people like to look at asses.  Relationships are not about putting on blinders.  Maybe "Terry" just likes looking at asses. He probably has his eyes on your ass, too.  Don't you enjoy seeing other attractive bodies, whether you are in a relationship or not?  Most people do.
PD's Woman Up writer Mia Navarro said "Over the years I've realized that the literal roving eye is more misdemeanor than felony. It doesn't bother me anymore as long as the once-over is quick and doesn't linger or keep repeating itself."

The point is not to read his looking at asses as a clue that he is not attracted to you.  People use visual stimuli to spark their desires and emotions, like models in advertisements and magazine spreads, or sexy movie stars.   Where his eyes go while you're out walking is not quite as important as where his hands go when he's turned on, or where his thoughts go when he needs intimacy.
At the same time, you must not ignore that you feel he's not as attracted to you lately.  Something is making you feel unattractive.  This feeling is triggered when he glances at other girls.  What are some other things that trigger this feeling of unattractiveness?  Group them together and start a conversation.  The only way to resolve this is the magic of communication. Don't treat his roving eye like a speaking mouth.
Being in a relationship occasionally calls upon you to do things you don't want to do - like speak.  Communicate with "Terry."  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  Tell him you feel like he is not attracted to you lately.  Start a conversation about sexual fantasies or nice butts and see where it leads.  Who knows, you may happily discover that "Terry" is shyly harboring some new ass related fantasy that you find super hot, something that will spice up the bedroom tonight.  Or you may discover that the relationship is entering another unexplored arena.  Together, you can do something about it.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.

©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

Reader relpy, 'She asks about me'

Dear Suhail,
Its me again. Nervous but Attracted. It gets slightly more complicated, Suhail, so lets see what you think. On wed night we made a tentative plan to meet Thursday and she no shows.   I sent her a Happy Friday text with no reply.  After the weekend, I was having a drink.  I find out the girl has been in asking a few questions about me to one of the bartenders. Such as have I ever been married? Have I been in that night or earlier that week? etc. 

The girl and I spoke yesterday during a drink, and she's telling me she likes me too.  I suggest a real date.  She says, it's a busy time now, what with the holidays and family in town and shopping etc.  We talk about how we both had some unkind love affairs in the past and how we just want to get to know each other before it gets physical.

So I'm thinking, she's interested curious enough to be asking mutual friends about me.  I'm thinking shes into me, but she's scared,confused?

Attracted, but Nervous

She may be, but that's not the point. Just because she's curious about you doesn't mean she wants you.  People are curious about a lot of things.  You heard she was asking mutual friends about you?  If she wants intimacy, she'll ask you those things to your face. She's got your number. She turned you down for a date because she's busy.   Your texts go unanswered. She asks others about you.  She has chosen "chase me" over the option of a real date. No big deal.  You are both better off being bar pals.
It sounds like you are looking for intimacy, not just a lay.  That kind of dating is based on meeting someone that is personally inspired to spend time with you.  A person you should date for a relationship is someone that wants to make time for you.  Move on to the next one, Attracted.  She's out there.  You're sure to find her.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Write Suhail.

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©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

My ex is interfering with my relationship

Dear Suhail,
I was in a relationship with Julian for 8 years. We lived together for 7 of those years. During that time I bought a house that we lived in together. When we broke up, I moved out of the house, to get away from Julian and leave him a place to live. Julian agreed to be a tenant and make the payments on the house.

In the last year and a half a lot has happened. Julian has been struggling emotionally and financially and he has not been able to make payments on the house or pay his bills. He gained a lot of weight and made a mess of my house. In the meantime, I've met a wonderful man named Mark. Mark is very good to me and we love each other.
But, I moved back into my house to help Julian out with expenses, mostly to prevent my loan from defaulting. I spend most of the week at Mark's place in Murfreesboro, but still stay at my house sometimes and leave my stuff there. Julian is constantly late on house payments and almost never pays the other bills, leaving the financial responsibility on me. I was letting Julian use my car for a while, but I have taken the keys back now.

Needless to say, this situation has created a lot of tension between Mark and I. Mark is very supportive and loving, but he is losing patience. I know that supporting Julian is a bad situation. I've finally told Julian he has to move out of my house. I want to rent out my house and live with Mark in Murfreesboro.

The question I have is: What can I do for Mark? What can I do to make things better with Mark during this transition of getting Julian out of my house?
Andrew
Andrew,
Congratulations on finally telling Julian to move out!  Break-ups are trying experiences, especially the "post-relationship relationship." Good for you for realizing that Julian is taking advantage of you and sabotaging your chances at happiness. It's high time to cut him out.

Mark sounds swell.  He has stuck with you while you've moved back in with your ex to pay your ex's expenses.  That is pretty impressive on Mark's end, so let him know how much you love and appreciate him.  But that's not enough.  Here is what you can do for Mark:
Give Mark a date when Julian will truly be out of your lives - and stick to it. Choose a specific date that Mark can circle on a calendar - a particular day that Mark can look toward, knowing, from that day on, you are free of Julian.
No more paying Julian's bills (you can see how insidious it is that Julian falls short on payments in a home that you own - you are forced to come to the rescue), no more lending Julian your car, no more emotional or financial support. This way Mark can be assured, no matter how frustrating it is for him to watch you get Julian out of your hair, that the day is coming - soon - when it really will be just the two of you.  Good luck!

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.

©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

My girlfriend's mom hates me

Dear Suhail,
My girlfriend and I are very in love and have been living together for almost two years.  When I first met her parents, they thought I was a real gentleman.  Now, my girlfriend's mom hates me. It's confusing. Her dad still likes me, but now her mom strongly disapproves, telling my girlfriend terrible, untrue things about me. For example, my girlfriend's mom has actually warned my girlfriend that I will become abusive and that I'll never be able to provide for her.  Why does her mom suddenly have such an intensely different opinion of me? We are going to visit her family for the holidays and I'm dreading every minute of it. What should I do?
Fretting For Christmas

If you are in love and you've been living with your lady for two years now, you are showing signs of permanent relationship status. This means you can theoretically treat your girlfriend's mom as a mother-in-law. Bear in mind that the trope of a treacherous mother-in-law does not exist for nothing.
Generally, mothers think that no one is good enough for their babies. You could be a Nobel Peace Prize laureate and your lover's mother is likely to disapprove of you. The thing to remember is that you can not afford to take it personally.

Has your girlfriend brought guys home to meet the parents before? It is possible that her mother was sweet to you in the beginning because she thought you were just another temporary guy passing through. Maybe she was nice to you because she thought you'd be out of the picture soon enough and she could forget about you. Now that you've been living with her daughter for two years, your theoretical mother-in-law might be realizing she really has to get to know this man that's taking her daughter away from her.

Whatever the case, when you go to visit your girlfriend's family, don't try to mind read, and do not, I repeat do not, think antagonistically! There is no enemy! Your best course of action is to be a good man and trust the love you have. Be as good to your lady as you can.  Remember, you're living with her, not her mom. Grin and bear your theoretical mother-in-law's scorn for a few days during the holiday visit. Who knows, she may just come around. But don't bet on it.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.

©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

Of lighter theft

How not to steal a lighter.

Tonight I went out late, 'round midnight, to meet my friend Tye at the Red Door Saloon in east Nashville for a couple of drinks. He called me while I was naked, reading in bed, with my sleeping darling beside me. Because it was Tye, I took the call. He was in a good mood because he'd just been to the Ryman for the Cheap Trick show.

"I'm taking a cab to Five Points," he said. "Wanna have a drink at Red Door?"
"Sure!" I replied. "Sounds like you've got some momentum."   I got dressed and braved the cold.

Tye is a unique person. He is close to the music industry, especially Cheap Trick.  His aunt is a rock radio DJ in Chicago and Cheap Trick are not the only rock stars he is personally familiar with, by a long shot. (Kid Rock, Brett Michaels, I'll stop there to maintain dignity.) When Tye was a young boy in Illinois, he was playing games with Robin Zander's kids.

I rolled us cigarettes. We smoked and drank and I listened rapt as Tye told me about spending the evening having good times, and revisitng old times, with Robin Zander and the rest of Cheap Trick. He ardently described hanging out in all four of the green rooms at the Ryman. You heard me, the Ryman has four green rooms. He didn't even need a backstage pass to get backstage. (Yes, these are the sort of people I spend my weeknights drinking with.)

This kind of talk, of course, attracts the attention of nearby drinkers. There was a sexy brunette at the bar next to us. A real showstopping kind of woman, dark hair and fair skin, tattoo between her shoulder blades, and a sassy attitude to boot. She was flirting with a bearded bald hipster in a sport coat, but she couldn't help overhearing our conversation. Eventually, she ignored her flirt partner and entered our conversation by, get this, reaching over and tasting my dirty Grey Goose martini - without permission.

She said, for a dirty martini, it didn't have enough olive brine in it. She should know, she insisted, because she's a bartender at Mirror, in 12th South. All the while I'm thinking, I didn't ask.  She promptly engaged Tye in a coolness duel, because she knew Robin Zander, too. Small world.

During the coolness duel, she pulled a cigarette out of her pack, put it in her mouth, pulled another cigarette out, and gave it to Tye. Then she picked up my lighter, from under my pouch of tobacco, and lit both cigarettes. My lighter deftly disappeared into her purse. First my martini, I thought, now my lighter.

After this, she studiously ignored us. I tried to strike up some polite conversation, by telling her I was a writer, hoping to get my lighter back, or at least a light. She didn't even turn her head.

Tye and I ordered another round of drinks. Our sexy brunette took my lighter out of her purse, lit herself a new cigarette, oblivious to her benefactor (me), and put my lighter back into her purse. Eventually, I attempted another chat with our sultry klepto, only to be snubbed again.

Hilarious, I thought. Tye and I finished our drinks. It was almost time to go.  My first thought was, Lighter theft happens all the time.  Let this chyck steal your lighter, Suhail. She clearly needs it more than you do. But letting it go on such a rude note didn't feel right. If she wanted to steal my lighter, she could at least have the savoir-faire to entertain me with some dialogue.

Tye and I were ready to leave. I thought of my gorgeous girlfriend, sleeping cozy, alone, in bed, at home. I thought of not having a lighter next time I roll a cigarette. I realized the only thing I wanted from this brunette barfly was my lighter.  I cut into her latest conversation.
"May I have my lighter back?" I said, "It's the purple one you put in your purse."

She paused for a moment, not turning her head.  I smiled at her anyway.   She then produced my lighter from her purse.

"I steal lighters," she explained apologetically, looking at me with her winning smile. "It's one of my things."
"I know what you mean," I replied.
"A lighter touches my hand-"
"And it never comes back," I finished for her. "It's part of your charm."
"No, I hardly notice when I do it," she elaborated.
"I'm the same way sometimes," I assured her.  "That's what I mean; it's part of your charm."
"Come to Mirror," she replied flirtatiously, "I'll make you the perfect martini."

No doubt she will. She strikes me as an adept bartender. But I will definitely go to Mirror with a book of matches, rather than a lighter.

A tip for you lighter stealers out there: If you're going to steal someone's lighter, give them a little closure. It'll hike up your success rate.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.


©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

We've flirted - now what?

 
Dear Suhail,
I'm into a woman that goes to the same local bar as me. We've chatted on and off over drinks at Red Door East for about a year. We see each other there pretty much every week. But in the last couple weeks, we've really warmed up to each other. This past Friday we hung out at the bar drinking until 1:00 A.M. We cozied up and I put my hand on her knee. She put her arm around me as we talked with some mutual friends. Though we went home separately, she texted at 2:40 A.M. before bed, to say goodnight and that we should check out her friend's band on Broadway the next night. She never contacted me Saturday. The weekend is over now. I don't want to call her during the week. I don't want to bug her, or seem desperate or come on too strong. What should I do?
Attracted, But Nervous

You've had some tantalizing flirtation with this woman, and you are wondering when to make your move. Well, don't wonder too long, or you risk ending up in the "friend zone." It sounds like she has finished sizing you up and she wants you to ask her out. Just because she didn't call you on Saturday doesn't mean she didn't want you to join her. Heck, she was thinking about you at 3 AM the night before!  She may have stayed in Saturday, or done family stuff, or gone to see the band alone.  In truth, you don't know what she did Saturday because you haven't asked. 

Since you've been casual acquaintances for so long on the local bar level, it's time to up the ante. You sound ambivalent about calling her during the week. Maybe you don't have to. If you cross paths at the bar every week, ask her out next time you see her at the bar. But ask her out!
Think of a unique new place to spend a little time together, not another bar.  It's a good idea to involve food.  If dinner feels like you're coming on "too strong" (or too boring), suggest brunch, or some civic culture like TPAC, or try some comedy at Zanie's, or even a ball game. Ask her out!  Go for it!  It may be exactly what she's been trying to get you to do.

And, for goodness sake, if dating goes well and you want to kiss her, don't ask first! And don't apologize after. Just kiss her. You'll know if it's right.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.


©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

Is a long distance relationship worth it?

Dear Suhail,
I met someone that I think I'd like to be with for a long time. However, they were only working temporarily in my city and have now moved back home. I'd like to try to make things work, without ignoring the difficulty of the situation. Any advice? JP


Dear JP,
It is difficult, to be torn between the place you call home and the heart you call home.  Long distance relationships are a tricky, unpleasant business. There's the intense, awful missing and sweet, sad pining followed by deluges of lusty, codependent companionship. Because, during visits, you have to pack in as much time together as humanly possible.

A relationship is the network of common fields that identify two people with each other - the flirting, the conversations together, the shared meals, the sex, the sharing of personal space, the simple touches exchanged throughout the day, the sex, the overlapping friends - did I mention the sex? By any of these measures, a long distance relationship is not a relationship, because you do not get the subtle periodic reinforcement of each other's physical presence, which grounds the relationship, and let's face it, the sex. If you wanted a intimate, sexless relationship you could just get a gay Laotian pen pal.

A powerful and misleading motivator of love affairs is wanting what you can not have. Many people want someone by virtue of the fact that they can not have that person. This manifests in everything from dating married people to falling in love with tabloid celebrities to long distance relationships.

Long distance works if it is a short bridge to a more permanent state of physical togetherness. Otherwise, long distance relationships, full of plane tickets and unsatisfying phone sex, do not work.

Do some reflecting. If you both want to be together, don't do it by living apart. If the love is true, but merely cramped by an inconvenient thousand miles or so, go for it! In that case, moving for love is worth it! Plus, it makes a hell of a better memory in the end than staying put all alone.

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Write Suhail.

©2009 by Suhail Rafidi