Saturday, January 23, 2010

My ex is interfering with my relationship


Dear Suhail,
I was in a relationship with Julian for 8 years. We lived together for 7 of those years. During that time I bought a house that we lived in together. When we broke up, I moved out of the house, to get away from Julian and leave him a place to live. Julian agreed to be a tenant and make the payments on the house.


In the last year and a half a lot has happened. Julian has been struggling emotionally and financially and he has not been able to make payments on the house or pay his bills. He gained a lot of weight and made a mess of my house. In the meantime, I've met a wonderful man named Mark. Mark is very good to me and we love each other.

But, I moved back into my house to help Julian out with expenses, mostly to prevent my loan from defaulting. I spend most of the week at Mark's place in Murfreesboro, but still stay at my house sometimes and leave my stuff there. Julian is constantly late on house payments and almost never pays the other bills, leaving the financial responsibility on me. I was letting Julian use my car for a while, but I have taken the keys back now.

Needless to say, this situation has created a lot of tension between Mark and I. Mark is very supportive and loving, but he is losing patience. I know that supporting Julian is a bad situation. I've finally told Julian he has to move out of my house. I want to rent out my house and live with Mark in Murfreesboro.


The question I have is: What can I do for Mark? What can I do to make things better with Mark during this transition of getting Julian out of my house?
Andrew

Andrew,
Congratulations on finally telling Julian to move out!  Break-ups are trying experiences, especially the "post-relationship relationship." Good for you for realizing that Julian is taking advantage of you and sabotaging your chances at happiness. It's high time to cut him out.

Mark sounds swell.  He has stuck with you while you've moved back in with your ex to pay your ex's expenses.  That is pretty impressive on Mark's end, so let him know how much you love and appreciate him.  But that's not enough.  Here is what you can do for Mark:
Give Mark a date when Julian will truly be out of your lives - and stick to it. Choose a specific date that Mark can circle on a calendar - a particular day that Mark can look toward, knowing, from that day on, you are free of Julian.
No more paying Julian's bills (you can see how insidious it is that Julian falls short on payments in a home that you own - you are forced to come to the rescue), no more lending Julian your car, no more emotional or financial support. This way Mark can be assured, no matter how frustrating it is for him to watch you get Julian out of your hair, that the day is coming - soon - when it really will be just the two of you.  Good luck!

Need a lighthouse in the winsome fog of love and relationships? Ask Suhail.

©2009 by Suhail Rafidi

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